thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
