Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
