these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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