clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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