i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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