It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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