how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
