You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
