Four minutes until I can fart!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
