if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You left your phone here
Wait...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
