Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
