An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
