Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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