apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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