somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you traded sex for a burrito?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she told me i tasted like america
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
