I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
