oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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