he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
