I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
