Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
