I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
