I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
