Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
