Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
