6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
