she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
