I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
from now on my penis is your penis
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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