i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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