He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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