Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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