please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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