my soul wont recognize me after tonight
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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