Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
