So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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