come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
