The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
