dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
