You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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