Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
