i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
