just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
