I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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