Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
