It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
