Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
