Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
