'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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