That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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