I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
