remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
