mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
