shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
