highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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